


Ranting with Izuru

by AnOwlReadingABook



Category: Dangan Ronpa, Dangan Ronpa - All Media Types, Dangan Ronpa 3: The End of 希望ヶ峰学園 | The End of Kibougamine Gakuen | End of Hope's Peak High School, Dangan Ronpa: Another Episode, Super Dangan Ronpa 2
Genre: Izuru rants about stuff
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-09-17
Updated: 2016-10-12
Packaged: 2018-08-15 13:43:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 2,701
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8058574
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnOwlReadingABook/pseuds/AnOwlReadingABook
Summary: Ranting with Izuru is a discussion show hosted by yours truly, Izuru Kamukura. You viewers can give him any topic to discuss about and you can also add in guests to the show.





	1. Introduction

 

 

* * *

 

 

Hello there you boring snots. Welcome to my show, Ranting with Izuru. Give me a topic to discuss about and I'll gladly do it. Any topic is fine. For example, weeaboos, toxic fanbases, tragic events, etc. I'll do them all for you. You can also add in guests to join this rant with me. You can add that bitch Junko, you can add Nagito, you can add in anyone you want. Now if you excuse me, I'll be waiting in my room, refreshing the AO3 inbox page to see a request. 


	2. Every Talent is Boring

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Izuru rants about all the talents he has.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I had trouble choosing between 7 choices, so I used a random number generator and I got this.

"Ladies and gentlemen! The host is here! It's Izuru Kamukura!"

[insert jennifer lopez song]

Hello there, you boring audience. Shush with your cheering and let's begin episode 1 of  _Ranting with Izuru_. Today's topic is about all the talents I have.

Before I even existed, my alter ego was a sore loser with no talent. He would stare into the window like some romance anime cliche. Then Natsumi would start talking to him. That's the cliche. However there was no love and she got fucked in the ass by Sato. But that doesn't have anything to do with the topic, right? Right, it doesn't. But it was just some backstory. After that bitch got murdered, my alter ego took on the Kamukura Project. Six months later, I was born. I had every talent there is. But because I had everything, it was really boring. Then I became more bored because they put me in a cell to be locked up. What do they think I am? An animal?

*sips Mountain Dew*

No, it was for containment. Anyways, is there a problem with all the talents? Yes, there is. I can cook, I can beat video games, I can use a sword or a gun, I can work out, you know what I'm saying. What's the problem with those? I'm always so good at those talents that I just don't like being good. I just want at least one thing that I can't do. But no. I'm suppose to be like the coolest guy in Hope's Peak. Ugh, how can I even get friends if I'm the coolest? I also got some weird ones. Such as:

_Ultimate Drunkard_ , yes you heard me right. Ultimate. Drunkard. I can become drunk whenever I like. What even is that talent? Who can have such a talent like that?

Then there's _Ultimate Murderer._  Do you think Hope's Peak Academy can accept a student with a talent like that? No, they can't, otherwise hell breaks loose. But Ultimate Murderer? I can kill without needing a talent. Such a boring talent to have.

_Ultimate Screamer._  What even? I can scream louder than anyone that was about to get murdered or rape. Who can even have that talent? Kids that rage in Call of Duty.

There's more, I know. But the main one I have is _Ultimate Hope._ There's nothing wrong with it. Except one. I will describe this individual. He wears a green jacket with a chain, blue jeans and some shoes. Did I forget to say he also has white fluffy hair that could make any fluffy animal lover feel it?

*cough* Swordswoman *cough*

You know who I'm talking about. Nagito. Komaeda. Where do I even begin?

Whenever I leave my cell, he is always stalking me, no joke. He's like the Slenderman of Danganronpa.

*cough* Silver Hope *cough*

Whenever I turn around to see him, he just vanishes from thin air. Wherever I go, HE'S EVERYWHERE! In my closet, in my backyard, in my fridge, under the blanket on my bed, in the dumpsters behind me, EVERYWHERE! He's obsessed with hope so much I want to be Ultimate Despair so he can hate me. Even when I'm back in my cell, HE ALWAYS LEAVE SOME LOVE LETTERS WITH CRINGEY HOPE PUNS IN THEM! When I go inside a bathroom stall, I always feel his presence. WE'RE NOT EVEN IN THE SAME CLASS AND YET HE SOME HOW KNOWS WHEN I'M GOING! Hell, he's even here right now. I'm not even sitting on this chair, I think I'm sitting on his lap! I can even feel his breathe from the back of my head right now!

*looks behind him*

"Hello Izuru~"

OH COME ON! I'M IN THE MIDDLE OF A SHOW HERE! GO SUCK TSUMIKI'S TITS FOR ALL I CARE!

"Okay."

*walks towards Tsumiki and sucks her breasts*

"A-AH!"

Okay, what the fuck? Anyways, I gotta conclude this episode. Tsumiki's probably jerking him off, I don't know. This is your host, Izuru Kamukura, signing out.


	3. Future Arc's blueballing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Izuru rants about our god Kodaka's unexpected deaths in the future arc and his less screentime.

Welcome to episode 2 of  _Ranting with Izuru_. Today's episode is about the future arc. Why does our god kill off loving characters and why I haven't gotten enough screen time.

Ugh, where do I even begin? Well, let's talk about the deaths.

Chisa Yukizome- I didn't expect her to being the first victim in the killing game, but I also didn't expect her to be in despair (All thanks to Mukuro's stick trick or whatever you call it). The way she died, that did not look good. Wanna hear a joke? You'll never see the light of day. Why? Because Chisa's hanging on the chandelier.

[awkward silence]

Okay, moving on.

Bandai Daisaku- The first NG Code victim. Witnessing violence three times? Eh, I've seen worst, and that worst will be discussed. That did not look like a pretty way to die now, did it?

Great Gozu- Hanging from the ceiling like Chisa, but instead of a chandelier, he gets tied by cords. When Kirigiri investigated him, we saw what his face was, well not clearly.

Seiko Kimura- Where do I begin to release my anger? Our lovely fluffy was the third victim to die by the traitor's hands. She just wanted friends. Remember in the previous episode I said that I would make friends if I wasn't cool? I could've been her friend. She was pinned to the wall and it looks like some sort of crucifixion. That looked painful.

  ~~~~

OH SHIT WRONG PICTURE! HERE'S THE RIGHT ONE!

 

YOU DID NOT NEED TO SEE THAT OTHER ONE! MOVING ON!!

Kazuo Tengan- The old man was a badass and the way he stabbed Munakata's eye was so epic I didn't become bored of him. The way he died. Ugh.

Izayoi Sonosuke- That bitch, what was her name again? Andou Ruruka, she thought that he would betray her. What a dumb piece of shit.

Koichi Kizakura- The bitch strikes again. The fact that he had to sacrifice himself to save Kirigiri, only for her to die is just too stupid. And boring.

Miaya Gekkogahara- I actually wanted her to be real. I would ship her and Ryota. No one can stop me. The way she was cut in half, jesus christ.

 

I could not find a photo of her getting cut in half so this will have to do.

Juzo Sakakura- I actually wanted him to survive, even though he fucked up my alter ego and even though he only cared about his gayness. Well I guess I should make another joke. What's the fastest way to a homosexual man's heart? Munakata's sword.

[awkward silence]

I hate you all.. Anyways, Ruruka Andou- Burn in hell because you deserved it so much you cunt. Your boyfriend is probably dating Seiko in heaven, leaving you to rot in hell. Go and make lots of friends, you say? Friends my ass, nobody wants to be your friend and no one will.

Kyouko Kirigiri- Okay, remember when I said "I've seen worst" while describing Bandai's death? This is the worst. Our god Kodaka did a dick move doing that. It's almost like in Akame Ga Kill where everyone dies, well not everyone in Danganronpa. The NG code is so horrible and unfair that I wanna strangle Kodaka right now.

I couldn't find a picture of her death. That's so fucking great.

That's all I have to say about the deaths. Moving on to why I haven't been getting alot of screentime and what's going on at Jabberwock Island, the answer is simple.

Me and the gang are hanging out, playing truth or dare, while watching boring boats that cannot match the SS Koizumi. She's a real beauty.

[door gets knocked down]

"FUTURE FOUNDATION! HANDS UP!"

OH SHIT, GOTTA END THIS EPISODE! SEE YA LATER! RUN PEOPLE! THE FUTURE SCUMS ARE HERE!

 

You perverts are still staring at that Seiko picture, aren't ya?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If ClearlyUnOriginal reads this, remember in your theory that you hoped there was no rule 34 of seiko kimura? That photo I have has just shattered your mind, including mines. I AM GUILTY OF HOLDING THIS PICTURE!


	4. Chiaki's Death

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Izuru tries to rant about Chiaki.. Tries to.

...

*tears streaming down his face*

W-Where do I even begin?

The way she kept g-getting tortured.. It hurts.. Its so unfair.. When she reaches the end, she just d-dies..

*sobs*

Damn you, Junko. I h-hate you for this..

*hugs a chiaki body pillow*

Damn the person who asked me to rant about this topic.. I h-hate you a-all..

Why does she have to die like that..

*cries*

Episode concluded.. Let me go and watch a fucking weeaboo cringe compilation to make myself feel better. I don't care if it's short..


	5. Weeaboos

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Izuru rants about weeaboos and calls upon a special guest.

Okay, welcome back to  _Ranting With Izuru_. You probably missed this boring show after I haven't updated for a few days because of the, uhm.. how should I say this? The Chiaki Depression. Today's topic is about a certain community which spreads true despair in the entire world.

That community is called  **Weeaboos**.

If you don't know what a weeaboo is, allow my special guest to explain. Welcome to the show, Ethos.

[crowd applausing and screaming for Ethos]

 **Ethos** : Ahaha, how's it going bros? My name is Ethos, the Former Ultimate Destroyer. Nice to meet ya.

Ethos, care to explain what a weeaboo is?

 **Ethos:** Ah yes. A weeaboo is a non-Japanese person that denounces their culture and tries to be like Japanese, through the anime they watch. Even if you don't know what a weeaboo is, I'm 100% sure you've seen them somewhere in your local bookstore or some random convention. Most of them are fat just like Yamada, they smell bad and their faces are greasy as fuck. There are two types of people that watch anime. Izuru, care to demonstrate?

Otakus and Weeaboos.

An Otaku is a person who likes anime just for entertainment. They respect people even if those people say they hate anime.

A Weeaboo however, ugh, where should I begin? They watch anime, not just for entertainment, but even try to act like their favourite characters. They try to speak Japanese, only to sound like an idiot. They fuck body pillows and buy weapons that they don't even use. When someone says that he hates anime, the weeaboos lose their shit and start attacking the poor guy. Ethos, let's judge some pictures, shall we?

 **Ethos:** Indeed, let's start with this one.

**Ethos:** *giggles*

Damn, look at those tits.

 **Ethos:** That pikachu on his neck wants to die.

Yes, he does want to- what the fuck? Look at the damn background.

 **Ethos:** Why? What's- oh my god. HE'S A BRONIE AS WELL! LOOK AT THE TOP LEFT!

He's both a cringey weeaboo and a cringey bronie. I rather drink a camel's vomit than be friends with this guy.

 **Ethos:** Damn, savage.

Next picture, please.

 

 **Ethos:** Eheheheh..

Holy shit, I found George Bush's son.

 **Ethos:** Stop please.. Ahahahah...!

This guy can't even use grammar correctly. He's like Inuyasha? At least Inuyasha's living a better life than him. He calls himself otaku? Kill yourself please. The world would love it if you just pull the trigger.

 **Ethos:** 28 years old and he's still single!!?

He's had a sad life. Just pull the trigger, dude.

 **Ethos:** Moving on?

Yes, forward.

Holy shit, it's RiceGum.

 **Ethos:** Fucking hell.. Just stop damn it. XD

RiceGum be like: "Hi guys, today I'm officially a weeaboo that not only roast kids that post selfies, but also roast people who don't like anime.

 **Ethos:** Moving on damn it..

Ethos, what is this?

 **Ethos:** A loser that has no friends so he decides to make a friend with a dead pillow. When aliens invade us, they'll see this filth and go back to their space ships and fly away from that sad depressing lonely shirtless guy. Not to mention that he also has a pedo stache.

Perfect description for this man. Next picture.

 

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?! IS THAT WALTER WHITE IN A FUCKING SAILOR MOON OUTFIT?!!?!

 **Ethos:** HOLY SHIT, THIS WORLD IS CORRUPTED!

No wonder Godzilla wants to destroy this world.. BECAUSE OF SHIT LIKE THIS!!

 **Ethos:** Izuru, I'm not sure if I can go on..

It's okay, just one picture and we'll conclude this episode.

 **Ethos:** O-Okay..

**Ethos:** BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! AHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHA!! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

Holy shit.. What is this? Is this what you see when ISIS tortures you?

 **Ethos:** FUCK THIS, I'M GOING BACK TO WATCHING GODZILLA FILMS TO CALM MYSELF! I CAN'T TAKE THIS ANYMORE! *still laughing*

Save yourself, Ethos. Anyways.

In conclusion, get the fuck away from me!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If only BakaJuan commented on this..


	6. Munakata's thoughts on not getting a happy ending

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Izuru calls Munakata and tries to get his thoughts on his ending.

**Misha:** I'm back.

GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY SHOW YOU CRINGEY FUCK!

[kicks him out of the island]

Anyways,  **I'M** back. What have I been doing with my life? Playing Pewdiepie's Tuber Simulator. My phone's broken so I have to use a friend's ipad to play this. If you play Pewdiepie's Tuber Simulator, leave your name in the description and I'll add you. My name is Rogue131 by the way. Here's my avatar:

 

Hey, I tried okay? They don't have hair length like mine and red eyes, okay? I had to use this hair that almost looks like Hajime's but doesn't..

We're not here for this shit, right? We're here to talk about the Hope Arc ending.

Everyone got a happy ending, that's good.

Heh, "everyone".

A certain white haired guy didn't get a happy ending, and I'm not talking about Komaeda. Fuck that guy. I'm talking about Kyousuke Munakata. I'll call him and get his thoughts on his ending. He's probably disappointed about his ending. Time to call.

[dials 9/11]

"A-Ah, hello.."

Hey, Munakata, can I get your thoughts on your ending in Hope Arc?

"U-Uh, I t-think it's o-okay.. Ah.."

Are you okay? You sound weak.

"S-Sorry, I'm just s-sick.. O-Oh my god.. Sorry I can't t-talk.. chisaimgoingtocu- AGH!"

What happened!?

"S-Sorry, I'm very sick. Goodbye!"

[ends]

...Something tells me he's having sex with Ms. Yukizome.. Oh well, there you go people. His thoughts.


	7. D▇E▇S▇P▇A▇I▇R▇ I▇N▇T▇E▇R▇R▇U▇P▇T▇I▇O▇N▇

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Izuru g⃠e⃠t⃠s⃠i⃠n⃠t⃠e⃠r͞͞r͞͞u͞͞p͞͞t͞͞e͞͞d͞͞b͞͞y͞͞ᏠᏌᏁᏦᏫ.

Hey there, Izuru heads. Welcome to another episode of-

**/////**

**c⃣a⃣n⃣y⃣o⃣u⃣f⃣e⃣e⃣l⃣i⃣t⃣**

**i▇t▇s▇o▇l▇o▇v▇e▇l▇y▇**

**h͞͞e͞͞l͞͞l͞͞o͞͞I͞͞z͞͞u͞͞r͞͞u͞͞**

**/////**

...

What the fuck?

Hey! Souda! Is the equipment okay?

"Yeah, it is. It just glitched out, that's all."

_Glitched out? No, there's something else.._

Well anyways, today we're going to talk about henta-

_**~~a⃒r⃒e⃒n⃒t⃒y⃒o⃒u⃒a⃒n⃒a⃒u⃒g⃒h⃒t⃒y⃒b⃒o⃒y⃒?~~ ** _

~~~~Souda, I don't think it was a glitch. There's something else.

"Really, what is it?"

Someone who's in love with despair and probably fucked Matsuda when she was different.

รєгί๏ยรly?

Junko, what the fuck are you doing? Get out of my show!

[junko appears out of nowhere]

"No! Fuck you!"

Who am I getting fucked by? You? Nah, Matsuda would kill me.

[random 'ooooh' noises]

"Can you not? Ugh!"

What the hell do you want? I'm busy doing a damn show.

"I want you all to fall in despair!"

Well, too bad. No one here's going to fall in despair, not even Mikan who's just sitting there.

"Well, I'm not leaving!"

Alright, then. Let me make a phone call.

[dials 1/11/16]

Hey, Naegi. Get over here and take Junko away.

[naegi arrives and grabs junko]

"Come on, Junko."

"No! Where are you touching me dammit!"

[naegi flies away with his jetpack while holding junko]

"HOLY SHIIIIIIIIIIIT!"

...

Well, if only I had the 'Easy' button from Kill Bill. Oh well.

"Uh, Izuru? The camera's broken."

...Fuck.

 

* * *

 

 

**_IN AN ALTERNATE UNIVERSE..._ **

 

...

"...Huh?" Naegi wakes up and rubs his head. "Where..am I?" He looks around in a room and finds a camera next to him.

He checks his phone and there was a message from **feelthedespair**.

 

 **[feelthedespair]:**  Awake yet?

 **[ahogeboy]:** yes, I am. What happened? I don't remember anything.

 **[feelthedespair]:** You will know..

 

There's the message that tells Naegi that **feelthedespair**  isn't going to respond anymore.

Naegi is in a hotel. 

Meanwhile, somebody outside the hotel is watching him..

**1/11/16, it continues.**


End file.
